I read half of “way of the superior man” the other night, it’s interesting, simple minded way of true things in relationships. It made me smile and laugh a few times. Only really incredible things tend to do that, so it’s a good book.

I think I will post the small passage that is at the start of each chapter. It captures the whole chapter pretty aptly usually. And I don’t like opening books up I’ve already read, so a reference here would be nice.

I actually have almost a list of animals that most people are afraid of but I feel like I’m friends with.

I think the first animal was bees.

This morning I woke up, as I was walking to the kitchen I saw ants taking away a dead fly. At first I thought it was a beetle, on closer inspection I saw it was a dead fly.

Then as I was walking to the shops, I walked past a blue tongued lizard who was basking in the sun to the left of the pathway on the grass. I halted, because his presence felt important for some reason. I was thinking about lizards and snakes at that very moment and wondering when I would see one again, because it’s my interest as I was reading Adam and Eve with the serpent last night. He came at me, I took a step back, and then he crossed my path and went back into his garden. He had no tail, which I saw as a black stub. This reptile’s tail regrows. This felt particular because before I was walking to the shops, I spent an hour or so reading about reptilian mythology — and I was thinking how I haven’t seen any reptiles in so long. 

Then on my walk to get lunch, an asian beetle bit me on the arm.
It left a mark, which is settling now. I flicked the beetle off, because it was hurting. It fell undamaged into the grass.

As I was nearing it, a pigeon who almost always move out of the way stayed in my path a little longer. Just noticed it, nothing important. 

Then later as I was eating lunch, I saw another kind of beetle on me, a little brown one who I thought couldn’t fly(it also had a softer shell), but I blew it off so as to not hurt it but get it off me in case it bit, too. And it flew onto the door.

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These all felt important for some reason I don’t know.

I liked that the ants were taking away the fly, ants are my friends.
Even though I used to kill them so much. 

I thought the asian beetle was a ladybug but it wasn’t.
Didn’t like that.

I really liked seeing the lizard, felt so… strange. It frightened me but I was also not that frightened. 

The beetles were more annoying if anything.

"Successful people don’t make the right decisions, they make their decisions right." 

I remember in tripping a lot, everything came down to perspective.
I think the successful perspective is looking at the past, and seeing how those occurrences and decisions ended up leading you to where you wanted to go.

It’s an attitude. 

That’s something that’s … still sort of mind blowing me, that.. like things like, I thought that my weakness was in my body. Other men are stronger than me. But then I found out, that attitude prevails and powers over even the physically strongest men (in relation to my weaknesses at the time). That was really surprising, makes sense. That attitude directs over everything more than the things themselves. 

That’s so strange. 

Something about it is peculier. 

Something I noticed a week ago or so, but for some reason I felt like keeping it to myself — though  I feel like sharing it for some reason now.

Is that, I noticed… This is the longest time I’ve never stayed in one place, and I really wanted to do that. 

And I also always had an undercurrent of wanting to start a journal, but I just “never got around to it” or something, which I’ve also done.

Yeah it’s exactly what I wanted, don’t know why it (do know why) it took me so long. 

I’m not proud of myself, but… humbled.

first-to-the-scene first-to-leave feels particular to me. 
More specifically in high school.

In all the really bad events, that’s always what’s happened.
I was there, made sure it was all going to go smoothly, and left before I was noticed to be there. 

motha. fuckin’. music night.

I hate seeing my influence sometimes.

It’s exactly what I promote, and I resent it when I see it.

I’m not sure why, maybe because it’s not actually want I want. 

I never posted here, but I made the cuts I had to make.

People, who I knew I was in a dynamic of neglecting myself.

I did it about 2 weeks ago — just straight up and down all at once. 

Felt really good. 

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I also had this dream the other night, I was on a balcony of this beachfront resort, outside was the beach that went on, and the main road. we were on about the 5th-6th storey of this 7-8 storey resort. I was there with another male, we weren’t really talking and I didn’t really know him or trust him but we were friends in some way. 

I was on the balcony, admiring all the colours outside.
But something… happened, and I decided to look inside.
There was a wall or probably more of a barricade that separated me from inside — rising to my height when sitting down. I looked in and saw a girl there, which surprised me a lot. Filled me with terror and avoidance yet intrigue.

She was on her laptop, and I felt a strong kind of avoidance but I really wanted to talk with her. She was self-involved. I kind of went back to my security on the balcony, but peered in once more and took a good look making sure I wouldn’t be seen.

There was 3 or so other people in there. And I noticed, inside wasn’t a resort at all, in fact it was only a resort on the surface. Inside was an empty car park, made out of cement that had a black/fadingness to it at parts. A really old car park, the same type of cement which was that which built the underground factory that produced both beetles and humans, of the dream I had a week ago or so (where I chose to be a human).

I think, the resort represents me in a way.

It was… so exciting in a way, because I’m not actually alone. 
There are actually real people in the car park, and they chose to be there. They can leave if they want, I don’t even know why they were there, but I so greatly appreciated they were. I couldn’t wait to talk to them, the thought was nerve wracking that I sort of hid back onto the balcony a little. Considering starting a conversation and going inside, which gives me the feeling that I will do so soon, maybe tonight if I dream it.

This dream is a significant improvement over where I was previously, in the underground factory with thick cement. It’s starting to get more open. 

—————

Water also seems to be in almost every single dream I have.

It also seems really hostile from the outside, but I remember when I dove into the water, it has a coral reef on the bottom with fish in the crystal clear water. It was only the surface which was cloudy and dirty.

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I have quite a lot of dreams related with resorts.

I’ve had others where I’m having fun in the basement of one.
Others where I’m on the roof.

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Overall, it feels like progress back to something more real.

Yeah he said it’s not time for him to do or obtain DMT right now.

It feels like the right time for me.

Though… I do feel this sense like, I don’t need it.

Like, I have my own path which I am travelling on right now, and I don’t really foresee any need for me to do DMT. But I want to, so. I’m curious. 
But I don’t any extra help in my life, I’m doing pretty well on my own. 

I guess, it’s farewell to my friend Dan.

I feel really bad, and glad also because I think he’s going to end up in a good place. 

I’ve having this really big sense of loss.

Because my friend Dan, I think he removed himself from the drug group he was a part of creating, at the end of high school we made it. 

We talked before, we talked about how the group was moving apart, and how that distresses him because he doesn’t think it’s worth it unless everyone is together.

And now I’ve just seen, he removed himself from the group.

I feel really sad, like … he was such an integral part. So integral.

Maybe there is another reason, I just messaged him. Because there’s a connect for DMT, and he would be on that right away but I noticed he never commented at all. And I was like, Dan ????? and I just felt so bad but I think he’s going to end up in a better place, he’s right about the group. I messaged him to see if he wanted any anyway.

I tried to delude myself into thinking it was still a thing but it’s all broken up now, the group. It’s split and gone separate ways.

And I have no friends because all I do is be egotistical at uni so it isolates me, and all of my other friends hang out with each other and cos i don’t really relate with any of them apart from 1-2 and only on their own.

I think it’s time for me to make new friends.

I feel like I have acquaintances, not friends. 

And my real friends, David, moved to Brisbane and I have an avoidance of talking online idk why. Ryan is cool I just don’t see him often. Dan is cool but we’re not sort of friends anymore. 

I pretty much have no friends, I don’t even know if David is still my friends but I think and hope so.

I’m okay if I have no friends. It’s where I should be, a place to rebuild from.

Nothing makes me cry more than understanding my dreams. 

Specifically the moments where I’m having fun in a horrible situation, 
something about the safeness and trueness of that allows me to cry.

Like the dream I had where I’m in the basement of this resort,
And I’m by myself as per usually — pretty young.
And I’m playing and having miraculous fun with a cardboard box, which was my only possession.

That makes me cry equally as much to dream where I had packed up all my stuff and was going to find some place to sleep, after leaving this house finding out that the owners were coming back, and seeing all these dogs encaged on my way out that I hadn’t noticed previously. one of the dogs was pretending not to notice that it was kicking itself the ball, and then catching it, whilst inside it’s cage.
I also noticed one of the dogs wasn’t caged, it just chose to be there because it liked having all of it’s dog friends.

And as much as I wanted to free the dogs, I had to make sure I was safe first. And so I remember, before I left I threw a ball into all the dogs and the uncaged dog caught it — not knowing it came from me, and then I left to go find somewhere to sleep.

That made me cry so much when my girlfriend made me realise, that’s essentially what I did in my childhood.

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I also had a really importnat dream, relates to that ‘choosing to be a beetle or a human’ dream. It’s getting better. I saw real humans. 

I’ve been doing dream analysis all day.

I’m going to type up the dreams I’ve had recently. 

Particularly… about a certain resort, and dreams I’ve had over a span of about a year about the resort, which inside is actually like a drab concrete car park. 

Another that’s more personal and related to something else which I won’t ttype up here. 

My soul you-are you there? I have returned, I am here again. I have shaken the dust of all the lands from my feet, and I have come to you, I am with you. After long years of long wandering, I have come to you again.

Should I tell you everything I have seen, experienced, and drunk in? Or do you not want to hear about all the noise of life and the world? But one thing you must know: the one thing I have learned is that one must live this life. This life is the way, the long sought-after way to the unfathomable, which we call divine.

There is no other way, all other ways are false paths. I found the right way, it led me to you, to my soul. I return, tempered and purified. Do you still know me? How long the separation lasted! Everything has become so different. And how did I find you?

How strange my journey was! What words should I use to tell you on what twisted paths a good star has guided me to you? Give me your hand, my almost forgotten soul. How warm the joy at seeing you again, you long is avowed soul. Life has led me back to you. Let us thank the life I have lived for all the happy and all the sad hours, for every joy, for every sadness. My soul, my journey should continue with you. I will wander with you and ascend to my solitude.” ~Carl Jung; Red Book

We should not rise above the earth with the aid of “spiritual” intuitions and run away from hard reality, as so often happens with people who have brilliant intuitions. We can never reach the level of our intuitions and should therefore not identify ourselves with them. Only the gods can pass over the rainbow bridge; mortal men must stick to the earth and are subject to its laws. CW 12 - par 148